Here is the first installment, in canonical order...
Genesis 6:7
So the Lord said, "I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, from the face of the earth—men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air—for I am grieved that I have made them."
-With God himself wiping out an entire planet full of innocent people and animals, it's not hard to imagine how contemporary genocide can be religiously justified. We'll see myriad instances of man-made genocide--divinely mandated, of course--later on. MORAL: Mass murder is okay sometimes.
Genesis 19:8
"Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof. "
-These are the words of Lot, who offered his virgin daughters to salivating hoards with rape on the brain, in the interest of protecting 2 (male) "angels" from the same fate. What parent can't sympathize? MORAL: If rapists disrupt your dinner party, spare the guests and give them your children.
Genesis 22:1-12
God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about." Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?" "Yes, my son?" Abraham replied. "The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?" Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together. When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham! Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."
-I'm sure Isaac was perfectly fine with all this. Nothing that a few decades in the psychiatric ward can't fix. MORAL: Contrary to popular belief (and legal precedent), it's perfectly fine to slit your child's throat at the behest of voices in your head.
Genesis 38:6-10
Judah got a wife for Er, his firstborn, and her name was Tamar. But Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the Lord's sight; so the Lord put him to death. Then Judah said to Onan, "Lie with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother." But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the Lord's sight; so he put him to death also.
-Here's a tale of sordidness to make soap opera writers blush. Not only does the Lord kill without compunction, but he does so because Onan has reservations about raping his sister-in-law. Notice how Tamar seems to have little say in the matter. MORAL: If your brother dies, fuck his wife (and no coitus interruptus, please). You need not seek her permission, since you have the Lord's.
Exodus 4:24-26
At a lodging place on the way, the Lord met {Moses} and was about to kill him. But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son's foreskin and touched {Moses'} feet with it. "Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me," she said. So the Lord let him alone.
-What? The Lord was gonna whack Moses? Moses!? What the hell kind of shit chance have I got then? And who knew that schmucks granted immunity? Those people on "Survivor" would be mutilating genitals left and right if they'd just read their bibles. MORAL: A schmuck in time saves Moses.
Exodus 11:4-6
So Moses said, "This is what the Lord says: 'About midnight I will go throughout Egypt. Every firstborn son in Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh, who sits on the throne, to the firstborn son of the slave girl, who is at her hand mill, and all the firstborn of the cattle as well. There will be loud wailing throughout Egypt—worse than there has ever been or ever will be again.'"
-Some more good old-fashioned genocide. The Lord apparently delights in the murder and misery of his "good" creation. MORAL: Destroying families via infanticide = Christian family values.
Exodus 21:17
Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.
-If we really followed this command, all the teenagers in America could ride to school on the same bus. MORAL: In case Abraham didn't make it clear, kill your children.
Exodus 21:20-21
If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.
-Oh. Sure. Sounds great. As if slavery itself were not sufficiently reprehensible, the old testament not only permits but mandates it. Still not sadistic enough for you? Well, as it turns out, you have divine permission to nearly kill them, too. MORAL: If you own some people, and you need to beat them severely, the Lord would like you to stop just short of killing them, if possible.
Exodus 22:29-30
You must give me the firstborn of your sons. Do the same with your cattle and your sheep. Let them stay with their mothers for seven days, but give them to me on the eighth day.
-Does this mean what I think it means? Jesus. MORAL: God has a fetish for dead firstborns.
Exodus 32:27-28
Then he said to them, "This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: 'Each man strap a sword to his side. Go back and forth through the camp from one end to the other, each killing his brother and friend and neighbor.' " The Levites did as Moses commanded, and that day about three thousand of the people died.
-Most divinely mandated murder in the old testament is atrociously immoral enough without the victims being "brother and friend and neighbor." MORAL: The Lord's blood lust knows no boundaries.
Leviticus 12:1-5
The Lord said to Moses, "Say to the Israelites: 'A woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days, just as she is unclean during her monthly period. On the eighth day the boy is to be circumcised. Then the woman must wait thirty-three days to be purified from her bleeding. She must not touch anything sacred or go to the sanctuary until the days of her purification are over. If she gives birth to a daughter, for two weeks the woman will be unclean, as during her period. Then she must wait sixty-six days to be purified from her bleeding.
-Apparently, daughters are twice as icky as sons. And when those daughters grow up, they'll be even ickier. That grossy gross feminine stuff has no place in the house of God. Boys, on the other hand, are presumably "clean" enough for the temple at any time. But then again, they do have to have their genitals mutilated. MORAL: Girls have cooties.
Leviticus 21:16-20
The Lord said to Moses, "Say to Aaron: 'For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is hunchbacked or dwarfed, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles.
-Divinely inspired prejudice at its most abhorrent. Are you surprised that Pastor Huckabee wants to quarantine HIV sufferers after reading tripe like this? And how, by the way, is Aaron supposed to know if someone has "damaged testicles"? "Here to sacrifice to the Lord?" "Yes, Aaron." "Very good. And what about your nuts?" "Excuse me?" "Your balls. Has your walnut satchel sustained damage?" "Uh..well, Aaron, I..." "Your grapes aren't seedless, are they?" MORAL: Ostracize sick people.
Numbers 21:34-35
The Lord said to Moses, "Do not be afraid of him, for I have handed him over to you, with his whole army and his land. Do to him what you did to Sihon king of the Amorites, who reigned in Heshbon." So they struck him down, together with his sons and his whole army, leaving them no survivors. And they took possession of his land.
-"...and you don't count the dead when you got God on your side..." (courtesy of Bob Dylan). This is the basis for nearly every war that has ever been fought--God told us that we're entitled to someone else's life and property. And people praise this God for handing his precious creation over to be slaughtered. MORAL: Invoke God's favorable will, and you're entitled to do and steal anything you wish. Believe it, and it shall be so.
Deuteronomy 7:1-2; 20:16
When the Lord your God brings you into the land you are entering to possess and drives out before you many nations...and when the Lord your God has delivered them over to you and you have defeated them, then you must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy...in the cities of the nations the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them.
-More of the same. Showing no mercy and not leaving anything alive seem particularly Christian. The Lord demands your merciless, unabated blood lust. MORAL: In case it has not yet been made clear, God delights in the gruesome deaths of people he fashioned in his own image.
Deuteronomy 21:10-13
When you go to war against your enemies and the Lord your God delivers them into your hands and you take captives, if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife. Bring her into your home and have her shave her head, trim her nails and put aside the clothes she was wearing when captured. After she has lived in your house and mourned her father and mother for a full month, then you may go to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife.
-It seems as though God, in his infinite wisdom, saw it fit to create women specifically for the purpose of demeaning and degrading them. Not only are they to be taken captive and forced into marriage immediately following the divinely-sanctioned murders of their husbands, but they must also be stripped bare and shaved in the process. It's difficult to imagine something more humiliating. MORAL: Women are chattel. Do as you please, fellas.
Deuteronomy 22:13-19
If a man takes a wife and, after lying with her, dislikes her and slanders her and gives her a bad name, saying, "I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity," then the girl's father and mother shall bring proof that she was a virgin to the town elders at the gate. The girl's father will say to the elders, "I gave my daughter in marriage to this man, but he dislikes her. Now he has slandered her and said, 'I did not find your daughter to be a virgin.' But here is the proof of my daughter's virginity." Then her parents shall display the cloth before the elders of the town, and the elders shall take the man and punish him. They shall fine him a hundred shekels of silver and give them to the girl's father, because this man has given an Israelite virgin a bad name. She shall continue to be his wife; he must not divorce her as long as he lives.
-Here's another tantalizing selling point for converting women to the faith. Guess what, girls? If your husband gets sick of fucking you, we'll show your bloody consummation sheets to some dirty old strangers. And then? Then you get to stay married to him forever! Sound good? MORAL: Save your sheets, ladies.
Deuteronomy 22:28-29
If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.
-Again, notice the contemptuous powerlessness thrust upon those who find themselves born quite literally dickless. How much is your virginity worth to you, girls? Invaluable? Try again! It's fifty shekels. And that scumbag who forcibly raped and defiled you? Get used to it, because you're marrying him. MORAL: Women are not to be concerned with their brains, their bodies, or their lives; they need only be concerned with their husband's (mutilated) penis.
Judges 11:30-40
And Jephthah made a vow to the Lord: "If you give the Ammonites into my hands, whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph from the Ammonites will be the Lord's, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering." Then Jephthah went over to fight the Ammonites, and the Lord gave them into his hands. He devastated twenty towns from Aroer to the vicinity of Minnith, as far as Abel Keramim. Thus Israel subdued Ammon. When Jephthah returned to his home in Mizpah, who should come out to meet him but his daughter, dancing to the sound of tambourines! She was an only child. Except for her he had neither son nor daughter. When he saw her, he tore his clothes and cried, "Oh! My daughter! You have made me miserable and wretched, because I have made a vow to the Lord that I cannot break." “My father," she replied, "you have given your word to the Lord. Do to me just as you promised, now that the Lord has avenged you of your enemies, the Ammonites. But grant me this one request," she said. "Give me two months to roam the hills and weep with my friends, because I will never marry." "You may go," he said. And he let her go for two months. She and the girls went into the hills and wept because she would never marry. After the two months, she returned to her father and he did to her as he had vowed. And she was a virgin. From this comes the Israelite custom that each year the young women of Israel go out for four days to commemorate the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite.
-Here we combine the oft-espoused glories of slaughtering lots of people with the equally divine glories of performing atrocities against your children. What makes this a little different is that the lowly female actually has a speaking role, though it seems pretty clear that she's been indoctrinated to the hilt. All the more reward for her young soul in heaven, I reckon. MORAL: Genocide AND filicide? Double whammy!
Judges 19:23-29
The owner of the house went outside and said to them, "No, my friends, don't be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don't do this disgraceful thing. Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But to this man, don't do such a disgraceful thing. But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight. When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. He said to her, "Get up; let's go." But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home. When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel.
-In this unnecessary rehash of the Lot story, we see a level of callous and psychopathic behavior that is disturbing even for the old testament, and carried out in much greater detail this time. It's grotesquely ironic that the owner of the house accuses the rabid townsfolk of being vile and disgraceful while he's offering his virgin daughter to be gang raped by them. MORAL: Yay for gang rape and cadaver mutilation.
Judges 20:48
The men of Israel went back to Benjamin and put all the towns to the sword, including the animals and everything else they found. All the towns they came across they set on fire.
-It's nice to end with an example of that good old fashioned Christian mercy. Even the animals? Really? Like, toads? Squirrels? Barn swallows? Hardly seems necessary. MORAL: Kill already, dammit.
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It seems pretty clear that God has little more than ravenous, murderous contempt for the large majority of his creation. Animals, men, women, and children (but mostly women and children) are to be divinely subjected to the most abject forms of torture, humiliation, and degradation. Only by the most generous strokes of luck are these objects of contempt granted an expeditious withdrawal from such misery--typically in the form of coldblooded murder.
I really am starting to see the great moral lessons to be learned here. It's just that the ones I'm learning are antithetical to the ones the Good Book seems to be teaching.
